lately

I just finished reading the book Eat Pray Love and I loved it. I knew that I would. when the movie came out when I was a sophomore in highschool (I think) I loved it. my mom and I saw it in the theater for my birthday. something about this concept of travelling for a year and finding yourself just resonated within me. and it still does. so when I found the book for sale at the library for 50 cents, I bought it. the book is even better than the movie. when I watch the movie, I always seem to lose interest during the India part of her travels, but truthfully that might have been my most favorite part of the book. I feel like Elizabeth Gilbert and I have(had) a similar issue of always turning to a new man for validation, excitement, content. when she says that she had either been with a man or breaking up with one since she was 15 that seriously describes me. I have been with a man(boy) ever since 8th grade. I was 14 when I had my first kiss, and I was 15 when I had my first boyfriend and ever since then I have hopped around from boy to boy, man to man until I found one that I really love. the only issue is that I never gave myself a chance to breathe and just be. I haven’t ever pursued anything, aside from yoga for a short time, that I really wanted to do just for myself and by myself.

I don’t know that travelling the world for a year by myself would do the trick of feeling like I don’t know myself, but I would like to think that it could have a positive affect. Italy, india, and Indonesia honestly just sound absolutely perfect in my opinion.

ah but the demands of life. I don’t have the ability or agency to up and leave for an entire year. there has to be an alternative. I would like to think that I can find myself and who I truly am while being married to my wonderful husband. but can I? I don’t think I really have a choice at this point seeing as I have an adorable toddler that I can’t leave behind. it feels to me like every time I reach out and move to something that resonates with me, I am shut down and pulled in tighter by my husband. not intentionally, but I think that is just the way of the universe. whenever you move toward something uncomfortable or unknown, the here and now panic and give you hell for trying to grow and expand.

my husband wants more kids, and he actually would prefer if I was pregnant right this very minute. but I know that if I get pregnant right now, I won’t be able to really find myself. I just barely weaned my 17 month old, and have had foot surgery in the meantime so truthfully I haven’t really just been able to enjoy my autonomy. if I had another baby already or in the near future, I would seriously be stuck. therefore I can get birth control! I do have control over that aspect. it is not in a disrespectful attitude toward my husband. he is a great dad, and I don’t doubt that he would continue to be so in the event of another baby, but really I just don’t want another one. I dream about my toddler being old enough for me to pursue education in all forms, formal, informal, and the likes.

I have so many ambitions and it is a fault in my husbands eyes. I want to do everything he says but I have to be a realist and realize that I can’t do it all. well, why not? says who? says you? why do you get to dictate such things? I realize that he provides for our family, for which I am so grateful. I would not trade the time spent raising my baby for anything, and he has made it possible. but it goes both ways! he would not have been able to accomplish school without loans if we hadn’t gotten married and had a baby. but lets just think about this for a minute. if I have another baby in the near future well, then, I have two kids! and my autonomy diminishes again. and then it seems even more unlikely that I can “do it all”

I want to finish my education and go to medical school and become a doctor and then practice holistic and nutritional medicine. medical school is a necessary step so that in the eyes of the blinded society I am knowledgeable and trustworthy. I want to become certified in yoga teaching so that I can truly immerse myself. I want to meditate and find god within myself. I want to prepare and eat delicious food that is sustainable and healthy and in season. I want to learn herbal medicine so that I can use the earth to heal people.

I know that is a tall order. and my view might be limited in how I can accomplish so much. and maybe I can’t have it all. but really what is the most difficult is knowing my husband doesn’t believe I can, and doesn’t want me to.

so there lies the issue. I have married a wonderful person who wants a family and to provide, but he isn’t self assured and confident enough to allow himself to view me as an autonomous and very capable person. when I express uncertainty to him, he sees it as weak. when I express desires and aspirations to him, he sees it as overbearing. when I am complacent, he sees it as unhappiness. I shouldn’t let him define me, but I care. I want him to be happy, but he sees his happiness as determined by me. and  yes, happiness is a choice, but how can I choose happiness at the expense of him thinking I’m choosing his unhappiness?

what to do, what to do.

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consumerism

So many people get stuck in the trap of consumerism. Seeing as the Christmas holiday has just come and gone, it is especially prevalent. Buying things does not and will not make anyone truly happy. Spending money is such a waste of time energy and resources. It really does puzzle me. People spend a bunch of money getting an education so that they can get a high paying job so that they can buy a bigger house that they will spend most of their time away from at their job that is paying for their house. And then because they have a bigger house well of course it needs to be filled with a bunch of things that are only purchased to fill empty space and probably don’t hold any meaning anyway. Then when the people in the big house with all the things realize that it actually doesn’t bring them happiness, well then they must buy more things. That is obviously the large scale example of consumerism, but it happens on every single level. Believing that you will be happy if you buy something is a trap. Buying or getting something new definitely gives you a nice feeling, but the nice feeling will only last as long as the novelty of the item. I find myself thinking that if I could buy certain things then I will be happier or whatever it is, but I have to stop myself from thinking such things. Being content with what you have is the recipe for a happy life. Quitting the consumerism race is such a breath of fresh air. Instead of obsessing over the next thing that you are going to get when you have enough money, you can enjoy doing actual things. Like reading, writing, maybe picking up a new hobby?

My particular vice is finding things for a great deal. I love to thrift shop. Buying nice things that are in great condition for a fraction of the original price makes me very happy. Plus, recycling clothes and other items is great for the world! It means that less clothes will end up in landfills. But I have to definitely draw the line. I can get carried away with buying things just because they are a good deal, and I don’t actually need them. It’s really hard with buying things for Henry because I never want to pay full price for children’s clothes, but sometimes I will just buy things because they are a great deal and maybe he doesn’t need them. But maybe he will in the future? That is the hardest part. Discerning between being prepared for the future, and just buying things to buy.

I think I would like to challenge myself to a spending fast. I find that when I spend many days inside with Henry, or Henry is being especially challenging, or I am feeling worn down, that I like to turn to shopping to lift my spirits. However, I would like to find an alternative that would make me even happier, and feel even more revitalized. Perhaps that would be spending an hour at a yoga class. Perhaps that would be spending an hour writing privately. Perhaps that would be taking a hot shower. Perhaps that would be running a couple of miles. Whatever it may be, I am interested in using alternative routes to refreshing my system rather than turning to the quick fix of consumerism.

hi

gosh how does that even happen? it’s been 7 months since I last wrote on here and so much has happened. but i’m not one to give a play by play of my absence. so let’s move forward.

i have recently been very interested in learning about energy and vibration. everything in the world is energy. everything is made of atoms which are actually just clouds of energy that are constantly buzzing around. so literally everything is energy. well energy affects people very much. positive energy and negative energy, its all extremely impactful. negative energy can literally change your body’s chemistry. it can change your brain chemistry. it is essential to have positive energy and to ward off negative energy.

i have also been interested in learning more about the eastern world’s religion and basis. specifically those who practice yoga as a means for the deepest meditation possible. that’s why yoga was created, you know, so that meditation could be the most peaceful possible. keep your body flexible and happy so that your mind can do the same thing. why don’t people meditate? i believe that anciently meditation was ingrained into society. it is a necessity of life and yet there is an alarming absence of it in the world. especially among those you consider themselves prayerful. saying a prayer without meditation is like sending an email and never checking to see if you get a response, and then assuming that you never did get a response. that is illogical. i believe that there is power within everyone to answer their own prayers if meditation is used. praying is petitioning the universe through the energy you send out and then allowing yourself to have a say in how your life is going. everyone can choose how they want their life to turn out. we have total control.

dessert-free week

so I have officially avoided all processed sugars in the form of desserts for one whole week. sunday to sunday. I thought I should do a little update about how the week went!

on the first day, I had already resolved to not have any treats, so when treats were offered at church I declined. that made it easier to then say no to the cheesecake that my sister in law had made. and after that it felt like I could say no to any treats! seriously just having the determination to decline treats for one whole day made a huge difference.

the only time for the rest of the week that I reeeeally wanted something was on Thursday when I was babysitting. it’s always hard to spend a lot of time at someone else’s house because I don’t really know if I should make real food so I find myself just loading up on snacks. but I stayed strong and didn’t give in to the temptation! then on Friday we went out with our friends and we got dinner at food trucks and then went to a festival downtown. my husband definitely has a sweet tooth so he wanted to get a treat. we walked around to all the booths and he got his treat. well, lucky for me one of the booths was serving fresh thai coconuts! so that’s what I got as my ‘treat’ and it really was delicious.

having my homemade sugar free chocolate sauce and banana ice cream has been a huge help I’m sure in curbing my sugar cravings. and my popcorn. love my popcorn.

I think the main motivator for me is that even though I love sweet treats, I don’t want henry to eat them. and I can’t be stuffing myself full of them and then turn around and tell him he can’t do the same. the best way to teach your children about the world is through example. I’ve actually been meaning to change my diet since he was around 6 months because that’s when we kind of started introducing some fruits, but just haven’t had the determination to stick with it. now he’s 9 months, and i’m feeling good about the pattern I’ve started.

I think another factor in my success so far is that it is something that I decided all on my own, and came up with an accountability plan that didn’t include jared. I needed to do it all by myself. I didn’t tell him about it until I had already completed one whole day of no sweets.

I think I will continue on the path of no desserts, and no refined sugary sweets. I don’t include honey in the sugar category because it is a naturally occurring product that doesn’t require much refinement, if any at all, to be edible and delicious. I will keep making daily food journals to help myself be accountable. I haven’t decided if I will choose to have treats on occasion, but to be honest, i’m not really missing them.

cheers!

food journal: day 8

May 22, 2016

  • oatmeal with blueberries, honey, hemp seeds, almond milk
  • 1 piece of toast with 1 egg and tiny bit of cheese
  • 1 piece of bread with peanut butter, honey, and blueberry
  • mini quiche with egg whites, spinach, and tomato
  • cauliflower “bread” sticks
  • zucchini noodles
  • fruit salad with pineapple, strawberries, blueberries, grapes
  • stovetop popcorn with salt

food journal: day 7

Saturday May 21, 2016

  • fresh coconut meat and mango smoothie
  • 2 eggs with nooch, tortilla, cheese and guac
  • banana ice cream with peanut butter and homemade sugar free chocolate sauce
  • goldfish crackers, raisins, dried mango, string cheese
  • spaghetti with tomato sauce
  • spinach salad with raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, croutons
  • 1 piece of veggie pizza