I just finished reading the book Eat Pray Love and I loved it. I knew that I would. when the movie came out when I was a sophomore in highschool (I think) I loved it. my mom and I saw it in the theater for my birthday. something about this concept of travelling for a year and finding yourself just resonated within me. and it still does. so when I found the book for sale at the library for 50 cents, I bought it. the book is even better than the movie. when I watch the movie, I always seem to lose interest during the India part of her travels, but truthfully that might have been my most favorite part of the book. I feel like Elizabeth Gilbert and I have(had) a similar issue of always turning to a new man for validation, excitement, content. when she says that she had either been with a man or breaking up with one since she was 15 that seriously describes me. I have been with a man(boy) ever since 8th grade. I was 14 when I had my first kiss, and I was 15 when I had my first boyfriend and ever since then I have hopped around from boy to boy, man to man until I found one that I really love. the only issue is that I never gave myself a chance to breathe and just be. I haven’t ever pursued anything, aside from yoga for a short time, that I really wanted to do just for myself and by myself.
I don’t know that travelling the world for a year by myself would do the trick of feeling like I don’t know myself, but I would like to think that it could have a positive affect. Italy, india, and Indonesia honestly just sound absolutely perfect in my opinion.
ah but the demands of life. I don’t have the ability or agency to up and leave for an entire year. there has to be an alternative. I would like to think that I can find myself and who I truly am while being married to my wonderful husband. but can I? I don’t think I really have a choice at this point seeing as I have an adorable toddler that I can’t leave behind. it feels to me like every time I reach out and move to something that resonates with me, I am shut down and pulled in tighter by my husband. not intentionally, but I think that is just the way of the universe. whenever you move toward something uncomfortable or unknown, the here and now panic and give you hell for trying to grow and expand.
my husband wants more kids, and he actually would prefer if I was pregnant right this very minute. but I know that if I get pregnant right now, I won’t be able to really find myself. I just barely weaned my 17 month old, and have had foot surgery in the meantime so truthfully I haven’t really just been able to enjoy my autonomy. if I had another baby already or in the near future, I would seriously be stuck. therefore I can get birth control! I do have control over that aspect. it is not in a disrespectful attitude toward my husband. he is a great dad, and I don’t doubt that he would continue to be so in the event of another baby, but really I just don’t want another one. I dream about my toddler being old enough for me to pursue education in all forms, formal, informal, and the likes.
I have so many ambitions and it is a fault in my husbands eyes. I want to do everything he says but I have to be a realist and realize that I can’t do it all. well, why not? says who? says you? why do you get to dictate such things? I realize that he provides for our family, for which I am so grateful. I would not trade the time spent raising my baby for anything, and he has made it possible. but it goes both ways! he would not have been able to accomplish school without loans if we hadn’t gotten married and had a baby. but lets just think about this for a minute. if I have another baby in the near future well, then, I have two kids! and my autonomy diminishes again. and then it seems even more unlikely that I can “do it all”
I want to finish my education and go to medical school and become a doctor and then practice holistic and nutritional medicine. medical school is a necessary step so that in the eyes of the blinded society I am knowledgeable and trustworthy. I want to become certified in yoga teaching so that I can truly immerse myself. I want to meditate and find god within myself. I want to prepare and eat delicious food that is sustainable and healthy and in season. I want to learn herbal medicine so that I can use the earth to heal people.
I know that is a tall order. and my view might be limited in how I can accomplish so much. and maybe I can’t have it all. but really what is the most difficult is knowing my husband doesn’t believe I can, and doesn’t want me to.
so there lies the issue. I have married a wonderful person who wants a family and to provide, but he isn’t self assured and confident enough to allow himself to view me as an autonomous and very capable person. when I express uncertainty to him, he sees it as weak. when I express desires and aspirations to him, he sees it as overbearing. when I am complacent, he sees it as unhappiness. I shouldn’t let him define me, but I care. I want him to be happy, but he sees his happiness as determined by me. and yes, happiness is a choice, but how can I choose happiness at the expense of him thinking I’m choosing his unhappiness?
what to do, what to do.