birth

i want to write my birth story today. my babe is going to be eight months old tomorrow and i still haven’t written the story of how he came into this world.

i had the easiest of easy pregnancies by anyone’s measures. i never ever got morning – or anytime- sickness. i stayed extremely healthy and fit and overall i hardly gained any weight that wasn’t necessary. i walked every. single. day. and did yoga. and squats. and i never had a so-called ‘pregnancy craving’ (they don’t actually exist in my book, but more on that later). i didn’t get huge, even when i was 39 weeks pregnant. seriously, the only thing that happened to me that could be called a typical pregnancy related symptom was that my feet swelled up a couple of times. that was it.

i knew even before i was married that i wanted natural childbirth. i myself was born at home. i was the only one of five kids that my mom birthed and home, and she always said that it was her best one. i had a longing for a comfortable, natural, childbirth with people who were loving and supportive and wanted the same things for my birth. after all, it was my birth. i wanted a homebirth, but my husband refused. “what if something happens. especially since you’ve had heart surgery… i would feel much better if we were in a hospital.” i don’t know why i let him decide where i would give birth, but for whatever reason, i agreed. i think in the back of my mind i knew he would never consider a birth center or water birth. the main reason being that it was too expensive and probably not covered under our insurance, and the second being for the safety of myself and the baby. regardless of the arguments that a birth center could be a fantastic option, we chose LDS hospital in salt lake city for the birth of our son.

i originally chose an OBGYN as my care provider for my pregnancy and birth. she was really a great person who was supportive but not necessarily knowledgeable about natural birth. i eventually decided to switch to a midwife who was more familiar, although in the end was not the kind of provider i had envisioned for myself during this time. nothing against the midwife, but now, having experienced everything, i would have been much more adamant about finding someone i truly loved to help me bring my baby earthside.

on the subject of hiring a doula: i was all for it. i would have loved to have someone there who was solely there for me. i wanted that additional support of someone who was truly versed in the ways of natural, intuitive, motherled childbirth. however, husband was absolutely opposed to hiring a doula.

he had very strong opinions about how birth should be. in fact, the first fight of our marriage, coming home from our honeymoon, was whether or not anyone except him and the doctors should be present in the delivery room. he was the only one who should be in there according to him. i, on the other hand, thought it was fine, maybe even a good idea, to have other people in the room. over time, though, i gave in to his pleas to be the only one there. “there are only a few things in life that you get to experience for the first time,” he told me, “and i don’t want to share that moment with anyone except you, me, and our baby.” so having family there, a doula, or anyone else for that matter, was out. how ironic that was.

my ideas about birthing naturally were so foreign to him. his ideas about birth had been shaped by society; what he had seen in the movies, and what he had heard from other people. the typical ‘woman on her back, screaming, pushing, and crying because she was in so much pain’ type birth is what he had ingrained in his mind. i knew that that was NOT what i wanted, and i knew that it wasn’t natural. “women have been giving birth since the beginning of time,” i thought to myself, “i know that there is a better way.” and there was. and i researched it. i signed us up for two different classes; a Lamaze class at the hospital where i would give birth, and a hypnobirthing class that i practically had to beg him to take with me.

i LOVED my hypnobirthing class. i would take it again in a heartbeat. and even in the end, husband was glad we had taken the class. hypnobirthing is all about using the mind to relax the body and allow everything to flow naturally, the way nature intended. learning different techniques for relaxation, and different positions to try for the body preparing for birth, and the birth itself. it was seriously right up my alley. i listened to my hypnobirthing tracks every day on my walks, i almost had the memorized. “my body can birth this baby,” i repeated in my head, “everything about my pregnancy is healthy and normal.” “my body knows exactly when and how to birth my baby.” the affirmations were wonderful and i longed for my mind to truly believe them.

as my pregnancy progressed i was feeling excited about this new adventure. i would start to think about how it could be anytime that my baby would decide it was his time to come earthside! husband and i decided last minute that the best option for us would be to move in to his parents basement- i was 38 weeks and a few days pregnant. but we did anyway. afterall, i wasn’t about to let being pregnant stop me from anything i would do normally! other than the obvious things i couldn’t do anymore. so i helped pack, move, and clean. and in the end, i probably pushed my body too hard, but i wouldn’t have known that because it was all so new to me.

on the day we finished moving, saturday august 15, the waters in my belly started to leak. a few days prior, on thursday, i had started having labor surges. they weren’t very strong but they were consistent. in fact, my husband and i actually spent the night in the hospital thursday-friday because of the consistency, but in the end went home because i wasn’t dilating. so then when my waters started leaking on saturday i called my midwife and she said the only way to know for sure would be to go and have the fluid tested. so off to the hospital we went! we were so excited to finally have something happening.

we got to the hospital and were shown to our room. the nurse was very kind and i undressed and had her test the fluid. she came back and said that it was, in fact, amniotic fluid. we were going to be having our baby! this was so exciting for us. i was not dilated, but i was having contractions. we walked the halls, i bounced on the ball, and we did everything we could do in the hospital while we waited for my body to do it’s thing. husband went and got food for us, café rio for him and smoothies for me, and we walked some more. and waited some more. i requested to check if i had dilated and unfortunately, i hadn’t. it had been probably 8 hours by this point and my water kept leaking, but i wasn’t dilating.

against all my dreams and wishes i decided it was time for an epidural. i could feel exhaustion kicking in, and new that if i couldn’t relax, my body definitely wouldn’t dilate. so i got the epidural and waited. i was confined to the bed at this point, but i mostly just wanted to see some progress. i knew that there was risk of infection with my water having broken but the baby not coming. after i got the epidural by body dilated… to a 1. 1 centimeter is all that happened after the epidural. i was feeling extremely defeated at this point. the external monitors showed my contractions and the baby’s heartbeat. my contractions were consistent, however, the were not nearly strong enough to allow my cervix to open.my baby’s heartbeat was also not rising and falling like it should be with each contraction. in fact, it seemed as though it was dropping with every contraction. it was decided that i needed internal monitoring so they could really see the strength of the surges.

so there i was, iv in hand, epidural in back, catheter in urethra, and they wanted to stick more wires up me. i was already a total mess because my worst fears about childbirth had come true, and my body just wasn’t living up to my expectations for it. i felt totally and completely let down. mu husband was obviously such a wonderful support but he had just as much experience with this as i did- none. we were alone and helpless and at the mercy of the nurses and doctors. between switching the monitors one of the nurses accidentally unplugged the monitor and i thought my baby’s heart stopped beating. that was the worst point. and that nurse was not nice. i did not like her before that happened, and when that happened she was pretty much the devil in my opinion.

i was a total mess, crying and worrying and stressed beyond belief. after many stressful hours- all day and now into the early morning of sunday- my midwife came in and confirmed what we had already feared: we had to get the baby out right away. i was going to have and emergency C-section. my husband called and told our parents what was going on. they prepared me for surgery which included shaving my pubic hair where the incision would be made, and took my husband to get his gown on. they took us to the operating room where the anesthesiologist immediately put more meds into my epidural to numb me completely. i kept asking for more and more nausea medicine because i knew i was going to be sick and probably pass out. i was shaking uncontrollably. was my baby going to be ok? after a few seconds, dr. tilly asked if i could feel where the incision was being made. i could. so they put more meds into the epidural. after a few seconds she asked again, and i could still feel pinching. she then put her head over the curtain and said “we are going to put you out. we need to get this baby out now.” they took jared out of the room and put a mask over my face and that is the last thing i remember.

when i woke up in the recovery room i was so out of it. my baby was no longer a part of me, and was no where in sight. i was so groggy. i couldn’t do anything. they told me that my baby was in the intensive care unit and that i could go see him once i could get myself into a wheelchair. i couldn’t see my baby. i couldn’t see my baby. until i could get into a wheelchair? what kind of a sick joke was this.

i didn’t get to see my baby until 5 hours after he was born. 5 hours of loneliness for my poor brand new baby. forcibly taken our of his safe haven and protection and kept away from me for 5 hours. and when i could finally get myself into a wheelchair and finally got to see my baby, i couldn’t even pick him up. i balled. he was all connected to wires and tubes everywhere. he had an infection and he needed to stabilize before i could hold him. i was utterly and completely heartbroken. my poor, poor baby. the best thing that i could have probably done for him to stabilize would have been to hold him, but i couldn’t. it makes me cry even now thinking back to that.

we spent a week in the hospital together. henry’s first meal was formula. i pumped colostrum and we worked on breastfeeding every day. by the end of the week we were breastfeeding and we got discharged on the same day.

all in all it was a nightmare of an experience. and now i have to deal with the fact that i have had a surgical birth; the furthest thing from what i had so desperately desired. 8 motnhs later and i am still disappointed in how my baby was brought into this world. i truly believe that my water broke prematurely because i was too hard, expected too much of my body when it was protecting such fragile life. i have spent 8 wonderful months bonding with my baby and our bond is stronger than ever. we are still breast feeding and will be until henry decides to wean.

it feels so good to finally put into words how awful my experience was. i am positive that i will be mentally recovering from the trauma for longer than it has taken and will take for my body to heal. but one thing is for certain- i will have the birth i desire when and if we bring another baby earthside. i am not going to submit to someone else’s views on how my birth is going to happen. i will be strong and firm.